1:46 AM
friends who have not talk to me for a long time said i've changed.. they said i've matured.. however.. do they really know me as well as they claim? many people have told me to be careful of surrounding friends, somehow i can attract "xiao rens", somehow people can read my mind and heart, people can know what am i actually thinking about... but, do they really understand me? i admit, i am not very good at talking. i can be a good listener, but im a terrible consoler. i may appear to be very chatty, but at times i am quiet.
classmates always ask me why am i keep quiet out of a sudden.. the fact is that i never really did talk much, except sometimes i will just "chip in".. i am a listener most of the time. not many of u know this right?
well.. cant deny the fact that i've matured over these years.. of course i've matured from a silly young girl to now, a probably more attitude woman. woman? should i describe myself as a woman?
have i really changed? maybe i have.. or maybe the old kailin is not the real kailin. i was disgusted with myself in the past, i am still feeling disgusted of myself now, in the present. i duno why..
in the past, maybe i am too soft-hearted.. i probably am still soft-hearted now, but not as soft as before? i've been taken advantage of in the past few years.. my temper aint this bad in the past.. my temper is quite bad when i was young.. most of my pri sch classmates know that.. but at 1 point of time when im ard 16 or so, my temper were gone out of a sudden.. i begin to treat people real kind, i gave them help or watever they need should i am able to give.. but what did i get in return? heartaches.. disappointments.. of coz i learnt something.. i learnt not to be so trusting, i learnt not to put in 100% of my heart. but i did it again now..
i realise that in order not to be taken advantage of, i need to let people know that i have temper, that i have my own way of thinking. the reason now that i am so short tempered, probably is due to the shortage of temper i've flared in the past, so now all the temper come at the same time. neither do i wan this to happen to me. i've been forced by circumstances.. this is a shield to protect myself, at least to me it is.
as time past, i've started to follow my heart when im doing things... just like few months back, i followed my heart and sort of lead to so many unnecessary "troubles". i tell myself, its due to my trusting side, its due to my soft-heartedness that lead to these terrible days that we are having now. and i forbid myself to make the same mistakes again. i remind myself everytime when i was about to trust someone 100%, i remind myself to be careful.. never judge a book by its cover.. no matter how close we've become, no matter how many years of friendship, it doesnt matter.. infront of money, wat kinship, friendship or watsoever doesnt mean a single thing.
yes, i am short tempered, i am unreasonable at times, i wish to be spoilt.. yet at the same time i am proud, i do not like to be pitied, i prefer to be on my own.
do u think i am just typing rubbish? maybe i am.. just feeling down...
anyway.. looking forward to meet haze on wed. la kopi session n dinner. now she n mel gang up against me liao lor.. hahaha..
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